"Frozen Apple"

(Original version published on a science-fiction-television message board on Jan. 19, 2000.)

The sun shines bright
It bathes us with light
But the sunlight does no good
It’s COLD in the neighborhood
It’s 4 degrees Fahrenheit
You heard what I said—that’s right!
(I’ll take a wild guess
at Celsius
About 15 degrees below?
Bleep, good grief, oh man, it’s COLD
Didn’t I tell you so?
(Canadian bloggers, don’t be bad
No teasing from the Northern folk
Good grief, it’s cold enough for me
I tell you, that’s no joke!)
It’s colder here than it’s been in years
New York, the “Big Apple,” is frozen, my dears
Out on the platform
One train comes and goes
Then two, then three, then four
Packed like sardines
You know what that means—
I can’t get in the door!
I’ll have to wait, but I’m already late
So late it’s almost a sin
But what can I do?
I’m practically turning blue
And still, I can’t get in!
Good thing I wore gloves, a hat, a scarf
A sweater and a hooded coat
Not to mention knee-high boots
With my warmest woolen suit
(There’s a sight to give one pause—
I look like a Jewish Santa Claus!)
The fifth train arrives, my spirit revives
I’m finally in the door
We’re so crammed in, there’s hardly room
For my feet to touch the floor
Don’t ask how late I got to work
You really don’t want to know
Don’t rub it in—I felt like a jerk
And on Thursday, it’s supposed to snow

(The current temperature, my friends, is 12 degrees Fahrenheit
I'm bundled up from head to toe—I'm sure I look a sight)